We're back, baby!

Haha what a terrible pic

Just wrapped up day 2 of no sugar!  It feels SO satisfying to be back on track.  We were off the rails hard, and I felt completely out of control.  Last time we did this, Lonnie was completely on board and supportive, but he struggled because he was really doing it as a 'solidarity' type of thing.  On Sunday,  he decided to watch the movie "Fed Up" and then we watched "That Sugar Film" together.  I could never convince him to watch it last time because one of his pet peeves is my love of reading articles and watching movies that result in my wanting to change our entire lives ;-) 

The two movies together were more than enough to inspire us to kick the sugar bullshit and start feeling great again!

My toughest days are Monday and Tuesday as I am busy busy busy with work, and now grad school stuff now on top of that, but I made it through like a champ with NO EXCUSES!!

Hello? Anyone there?

Remember when I said that when coming back from vacation it would be hard to get back "on it."  Holy Shit-- has is ever!??

I'm a mess.


I can blame that I just started grad school.
I can blame that my work schedule has just changed.
I can blame... well... it's winter.... it's this... it's that..... blah blah blah

None of those excuses are actual things that have prevented me from eating well.  None of them.  What HAS prevented me from eating well.  I don't want to.  I don't feel like it. I don't want to plan.  I don't want o grocery shop

I feel gross.  I feel bloaty and fat and my clothes feel tight.  Lonnie has gained weight too, and because he only gains weight in his belly, it shows quickly and makes him feel gross.  We need to get our shit together.  ASAP.

How do you get that driven feeling back once it disappears!!??  I don't even want to grocery shop for the "good healthy foods" because well.... probably because part of me knows that I am just going to waste it and part of me knows that if I buy it, then I should get back on it and I DON'T WANNA!!

Fake Sugar and vacation countdown!

Well... this week's 'iced coffee selfie that illustrates nothing' actually does illustrate something.  Don't wear this shirt and a sports bra that smashes the boobies.  I look like a blob.

Last week I had been thinking that by this week I would not have that iced coffee in my hand and would be off artificial sweeteners.  I am not.  Not even a little.  I am trying to be more mindful about it and make a least a few choices here and there that don't involve that garbage.  I didn't have any diet soda at all yesterday,  and I drank a cup of tea with no real or fake sugar in it at all, and actually enjoyed it!

We leave on Friday for our vacation and I feel awesome that I have been able to stick to this the whole time!!  I do wish I had exercised more and was in better running shape, but, oh well... it is what it is.

The big test now is coming HOME from vacation and staying attached to this new lifestyle.  I am actually not worried about the vacation itself.  The food in Mexico is all real. actual food, and we don't eat crap down there anyway.  We DO, however, drink lots of sugary margaritas, and I have NO plans to skimp on those!  ;-)  I never gain weight on vacation though, we are SO active- walking-swimming-snorkeling-biking-hiking-ziplining-parasailing....... that it all evens out.  The tricky parts are the travel days.  I think my Cinnabon experience will help me stay on track as eating shitty food while traveling does NOT work for me, or anyone around me ;-)

Day 34- The good the bad and the ugly

Thinking I will be back to daily this week because I feel like I am faltering a bit.  And while I KNOW
and can FEEL that this is PMS related---  It appears knowing is not actually half the battle when you still stuff a pizza into your gob anyway.

New gym pants from Lane Bryant

The good:

Olive Garden dressing--- basically candy.

-On Friday I got up and went to the gym all on my own... all alone! And lifted weights like a beast!!
-Went to Olive Garden with Jessi yesterday, and while I did have some stuff I shouldn't have, a few risotto rice balls, chicken gnocchi soup, and lots of salad (you know that dressing is terrible for you, right-- it'll full of sugar!!
), I passed on breadsticks, and I stuck to one small bowl of soup-- and I didn't finish it.

Oh yeah I had a berry Sangria too ;-)  More sugar, but SO yummy!

-I got some AWESOME new gym pants from Lane Bryant. I usually only shop there for bras and undies, I have never really liked the way their clothes fit.  They were having a giant clearance and I tried them on and LOVE LOVE LOVE.  They are super flattering and stay in place when lifting and running.  WIN WIN WIN!

The bad:
-The two giant margaritas before the Brad Paisley concert.  (Please don't assume from this that I am a country music loving redneck!!!),   I have no regrets though, as we had SO MUCH FUN out and about with our friends!

-Small pizza for dinner last night.  OMG it was so good, but I really should have made a better choice.  Pizza is probably what I miss the most when I am watching carbs and none of those supposed substitutes even come close, so I don't even bother.  Pizza once a month or so is not going to kill me.   (Next month news headline: Woman Chokes and Dies on Pizza Crust)

-The gym probably isn't happening at all this weekend as we are trying to super clean the house and get errands done because we leave for our trip on Friday!

The Ugly:
Bitch please.  There is no ugly here!

 

Day 30!

Luna looks on in the kitchen as the crazy lady takes a yoga selfie

I can't believe that I am on day 30 and still going strong!  I guess since it's been a month now, I should do a little run-down of changes that I have or have not noticed.

Things that have not changed....

• I am still fat.  (I shouldn't say things like that, I know.... positive self talk... blah blah blah....)
• I still have a LOT of bags of clothes that are waiting for me to be smaller so that I can wear them.
• I cannot run 3 miles without walking at all.
• I still do not go to the gym or exercise as much as I would like to
• I still love Justin Bieber
• And One Direction.

Things that HAVE changed....

• I have LESS fat on my body.
• The button on my jeans is not standing on the ledge threatening to of jump from the pressure it's under.
• I can wear some of the clothes that I had not been wearing because they didn't fit properply.
• I can run/walk in 1 minute intervals easily for 15 minutes (and surely more than that, but that is all I have done so far)
• I feel confident in the weight room at the gym, even when Lonnie is not there with me
• I LOOK FORWARD to Sunday yoga
• I don't crave McDonald's anymore. Or cheez its.  Or sour patch kids.
• We have saved probably around $200-400 dollars this month because there is no more nightlt convenience store snack run.  When I think of the shitty food and wasted money.... I almost didn't even want to type that one out because it's embarrassing.
• Much less alcohol is being consumed.  We used to have a tradition of finding new wines to pair with our dinner on Wednesdays, and on weekends would have a couple drinks in the evening.  BUT, even if I have one glass of alcohol, I feel like a zombie in the morning and have to drag my ass out of bed, and I don't need excuses to not get up and going!!  ESPECIALLY on Sunday mornings because I want to feel good for yoga!
• My skin is better, breakouts and blemishes are basically non-existent!
• I never have "stomach issues" anymore or wake up feeling gross
• There have also been some weird changes that may or may not be related....
• I get up earlier every day
• I make my bed every day
• I have started to enjoy folding and putting away laundry and it doesn't just live in baskets anymore

WOW that is a big list of reasons to never stop living this way, and right now I honestly don't even want to stop!  I feel awesome, happy, energized, and confident!!  GO ME!!

Day 22- Again with the effing snacks

Last night while in bed watching umpteen episodes of 'Shameless' (DAMN YOU SHOWTIME FREE PREVIEW WEEKEND.... sucking me in and FORCING me to subscribe!), I frigged around on Pinterest looking for some low-carb snack ideas.  What did I learn?  Low carb snacks are just all stupid and boring. 

-Have a handful of nuts (YEAH!!  THAT would be SO satisfying!)
-Make this 18 ingredient dessert or bread made up of bizzare chemicals. (GREAT IDEA!!  Eating healthy should ALWAYS involve filling your body with lab created "food.")
-There is a bizarre obsession with these things called "FAT BOMBS." The name is disgusting.  As is the premise.  It just seems SO necessary!  Like eating something just to.... eat something?

 So basically my search was a waste of time.  I have no idea what "normal" people that don't eat sugar snack on.  Fruit I guess.  Dumb.

Also I read an article lately extolling the evils of artificial sweetener.  Which I have already known forever, but right now just seems like the last fucking thing I want to hear.  Now I feel like an asshole when I drink my beloved morning coffee (because I use 2 squirts of Torani sugar free syrup).  And then I feel like an asshole again when I have a diet caffeine free soda later on.  I DO NOT LIKE TO DRINK PLAIN WATER.  My daughter has been doing this lately....

She claims it is delicious, but it seems like a lot of work and a lot of wasted fruit to me. 

WOW, am I bitchy today or WHAT!?

Yikers! Days 19, 20 AND 21!

Today is a holiday for the kids, not for me.  So as I am on-call, I just said goodbye to them as they headed off TO THE GYM TOGETHER!!

GOOD LORD I DID SOMETHING RIGHT!!!

Monday selfie- coffee happened much earlier on the road!

The weekend was very blah, but also very YAY!  On Saturday Lonnie was gone all day at a coughcoughgamingconventioncoughcough.  I knew that he would eat "off plan" since he was out all day, so as I drove to the grocery store I gave myself permission to also have a little treat/splurge.  I thought ALL the way there about what I have really missed and really would like and came up with NOTHING.  My old favorite sweet treats like cake... ice cream... candy.... no thanks, the thought of them just made me feel a little sick to my stomach.  (You know... like that feeling you have after eating too many pancakes and then someone offers you a cinnamon bun?)  So no sweets.  Ooooh!  How about chips?  Cheez-its (my lifelone nemesis)?  Saltines?  While I easily could have stomached those things.  I quickly sent my mind to the way I feel after... and during... eating them.  I feel bloated.  I feel unhealthy.  I feel like eating MORE AND MORE AND MORE bad stuff.  THAT was the biggy for me.  Eating those types of foods just makes your body want MORE MORE MORE!  (Which is why cheat days don't work!)  So I stuck to plan and had no regrets because I felt great all weekend and yesterday watched and listened to Lonnie struggle with feeling "eaty" all day.  (And of course took the opportunity to brag a little about how I was not feeling "eaty" because I didn't eat crap :::wink:::)

Day 16 and 17- It's getting hard to keep track of the days!

...probably  doesn't help when I do these two for 1 bloggys.

Still plugging along.  Last night we went out to dinner and Lonnie and I both sucked it up and stayed on it and were WAY high maintenance.  But I think we were nice enough, and gave a good enough tip that hopefully the waitress won't quit when she sees us walk in next time :)  Lonnie got sizzlin' fajitas with lettuce instead of tortillas to wrap them in, and I got a bunless burger and grilled asparagus.  It was all delicious, we had a great time, and didn't end our day feeling like we cheated or failed.  YAY US!

Lazy, Cozy, I DON'T WANNA GET OUT OF BED selfie

Where I am still struggling is the gym part.  It's SO. BITTERLY. COLD! I just can't bring myself to get dressed and to the the gym and then come out afterwards either sweaty or freshly showered---either way DOUBLE FROZEN!  I realize it's a stupid excuse.  But it's real.  And you know I love keepin' it real. Also Lonnie and I are FANTASTIC at both encouraging and discourging each other from everything ...lol!

Day 15 and 16

15 steps foward and 1 step back is still 14 steps forward!

I planned like a fiend for my possibly busy Monday.  I made a chopped salad and brought it with me to the office to eat before or between clients.

I did NOT plan for finishing up with a client that took 4 hours, and then being sent in a 'no-time-to-sit-and-eat-your-salad' rush to meet with a bunch more clients at a hospital an hour away.

So I left my salad in the fridge for today.   And I got Mcdonald's.  I could easily have made a better choice by picking up some nuts and fruit or veggies at the store and munching those in the car on the way to Dover.  I could have even still made a reasonable choice at McDonald's and kept the carbs low by getting an Egg Mcmuffins and not eating the muffin part, but I didn't do that either.  I got my favorite #2 with the cheesburgers plain.  And it was delicious!  HOWEVER.... I then let it open the floodgates because once at the hospital, one of the doctors had brought in some hot homemade bread and I was all...."well..... I mean I already had Mcdonalds today......." and had 3 slices, with butter of course ;-)

(cough cough and I had a Ghirardelli chocolate caramel square. cough cough)

I woke up this morning feeling gassy and blech.  I am glad I recognized feeling not as good as I have the past few weeks because of food and I am trying to really focus on that and not on how delicious that bread and Mcds was--- the chocolate, I honestly didn't even really enjoy.  I hopped right back onto the wagon this morning and my beautiful salad was patiently waiting for me :)

BTW.... I am watching the Biggest Loser and today they are being forced to eat "bad foods" like fettucine alfredo, mac and cheese, nachos, pizza.... You know, all the stuff that made them fat.  And I find it hysterical that they are ALL acting like it doesn't even taste good and it's sooooooo disgusting.  That is PURE UTTER BULLSHIT!!  You know they fucking loved every damn bite.  It's only week 2 for cryin' out loud, they haven't 'lost the taste for junk' ....honestly I am not sure you EVER lose the taste for fettucine alfredo.  It's freaking SCIENCE to love that shit!

Days 12 and 13

I got on the scale this morning.  Since I haven't been on the scale in a couple months, I have no idea how much I have lost since I started doing this, but I DO know that the number was lower than it was when I was on the scale a couple months ago, so YAY!  I try very hard to stay away from the scale altogether.  I read a book once that talked about being a slave to the scale, and it is SO TRUE.  I could be "ON IT" and feeling great, clothes fitting right, then get on the scale and see a number that is upsetting and BOOM.... no longer feeling great.  Because of a tiny electronic box.  My 20 year old daughter has NO idea what she weighs except when she goes to the doctor.  She thinks scales are stupid.  She just lives her life and eats normally, stops when she is full, and eats what she wants.  I am SO THANKFUL every day that I was able to raise her this way and not pass down my issues.  I worked hard to not ever limit food or make food an 'issue.'  I always had snacks in the house so that snacks were not "taboo."  And even though I hate fruit.  I worked hard to foster a love of fruit in both kids.

My 13 year old son is a whole other blog. 

Day 1 1

Well I was a bit lazy today,  but sticking to keeping the sugar down.   I was hankering for something sweet,  so I made one of my old standby concoctions that I use when low-carbing.   Whipping cream with a squirt of my sugar free vanilla sweetener,  drizzled with 2 tablespoons of melted (in the microwave with a little of the cream to make a ganache) semisweet chocolate chips,  and sprinkled with pecans.   Obviously this is an occasional indulgence,  but still a better choice for me than the crap I usually eat.

I actually ALMOST ran today and then foolishly decided to wait til Sean got home and I was going to make him go with me.  ...between my urge to run in 39 degrees and Seans school bus arrival,  the urge disappeared.

Day 9- Doin' fine

Not a lot to say today!  Still doing well.  Lonnie and Sean managed to hit the gym yesterday, but I was on-call, so I didn't go.  I should have.  I could have easily walked on the treadmill or lifted weights and left if I got called in... actually since the gym is in Bangor, I am closer to wherever I get called to... lesson learned!

On another note I need to figure out how to fix the giant-ass banner of this blog.

Day 8 and FEELIN' GREAT!!!

My weekly Monday morning iced-coffee photo that really illustrates nothing...lol

I have a love/hate relationship with Mondays.  I enjoy my job, and Mondays are usually a day where I get to do the stuff I enjoy doing at work (as opposed to my overnight shifts where sometimes I have to do things that I were prefer not to do).  So I look forward to Mondays.  BUT... like anyone else, I hate when the weekend ends!

"Sticking to it" this weekend went GREAT!  I had a 1/2 cup of rice in my taco bowl, and we put a little honey in our coconut shrimp batter, but all of those are still whole foods, and we kept it to a minimum, so YAY US!  In the past, we have always had a "cheat day."  This time, since my current goal was is just stick to this for a month, I decided on no cheat days.  This was a little scary.  But you know what I have learned. 

• Cheat days are BULLSHIT.  

• Cheat days are just terrible.  

• Cheat days are wrong.  

• Cheat days teach you to look forward to a day of gluttony.  

• Cheat days tell your brain that those are the "good foods" that you look forward to all week.   

• Cheat days make you have to "start all over again" EVERY WEEK.  Starting in the first place is hard enough!  

• Cheat days allow you to eat foods that are SCIENTIFICALLY ENGINEERED to make your body crave more, making you literally have to withdraw/detox from all that shit every week.  AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO THAT! 

• Cheat days always have leftovers that you feel guilty about throwing away (you know... all those starving children in Africa ....or Detroit.), that stare you in the face the next morning begging you to just finish them off to get them out of the house.

EVERY TIME I have gone back to unhealthy eating, it has been when a 'cheat day' turned into a 'cheat weekend,' turned into a 'well we don't anything 'good' in the house Monday morning so let's start tomorrow,' turned into a, 'well I am super busy at work and haven't had time to grocery shop yet, so we may as well just call it off for this week..............'  Every. Time.

Days 6 and 7

OOPS  I didn't journal yesterday!

But fear not. This I haven't quit or fallen off the wagon or anything.  I was just BUSY!!!  Busy NOT going to the gym as planned. And it's football day today, so it's not happening today either :)

After a loooooooong day of visiting with family and then shopping.  I made DELICIOUS chicken bowls.  We had planned on going to Chipotle, but the mall area was crazy and we were all beat. So I turned my kitchen into an even better Chipotle!  SO GOOD!!!! 

Today is football food day. We have the stuff to make veggies and dip and coconut shrimp, and I am getting hungry just thinking about it!!!

Maybe I will have a piece of the delicious frittata that Lonnie made yesterday to tie me over :)  BTW.... FRITTATAS ARE SO INTO THE ROTATION!!

Day 4 --Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Got some inspiration from a friend and co-worker today.  She was on a strict low-carb diet (Not what I do, I eat all whole foods.) for 8 months until just recently when she wasn't feeling well and could only stomach crackers.  She laughed and said that she also used it as an excuse to completely fall off the wagon for the past 2 weeks.  My kind of people!  ;-)  We talked about how much better we feel when watching the carbs and in trying to talk her back into it, got me all fired up about it too!

I know it's only day 4, but today, on day 4, I am wearing jeans that were a tad on the painful side a couple weeks ago.  Jeans that I could wear to work, but that I could not WAIT to strip off the second I got home.  I have been wearing them all day today :)

Struggles:

Got up late and didn't have time to eat before rushing out to my weekly staff meeting.  Got a sugar-free iced coffee at McDonald's.  This was a bad choice because a. We all know Mcdonald's is a trigger for me b. I was hungry! c. I love me some egg mcmuffins!  d. When I have McD's iced coffee with nothing else,  I get a little sick to my stomach.   So I sucked down my coffee during my staff meeting and lived with a tummy-ache and yucky taste in my mouth until after my meeting when I pulled into Irving on 2 wheels to get a fountain soda. 

I can feel that I am going to need to start branching out from my steaks and salads soon.  I love love love them, but I don't want to get bored with this.

What have we learned today?

HAVE EASY HANDY BREAKFAST THINGS READY!!!!!!!!!

What else is helping me to stay on track?  

VACATION PLANNING, including looking at new swimsuits and summer dresses for the trip at https://www.swimsuitsforall.com  I am LOVING this site and

wish I found it ages ago... adorable, sexy fat chick bathsuits, YES PLEASE!!

Day 3 -Winter Zombieland

Winter Zombie

It was a cold and blizzardy day yesterday. Got around 8 inches.... and it snowed too!!

I never did make it to the gym.  Then I got called to do an awake overnight shift at the children's crisis unit.  UGH.  I did not bring any snacks with me as I was in a rush to get out the door, I probably couldn't have eaten anyway, overnight shifts when I have to stay awake all night make me sick to my stomach and get raging headaches.

I DID make a responsible choice when I got home though and had a protein-filled small breakfast before hitting the sack.

As I was only able to sleep til around noon, I skipped the gym again today as I am a bit on the zombie side.  I definitely could have gone.  But I didn't.  I just HATE going out in the cold, trudging through the snow, warming up the car, scraping the car, and then getting back into the freezing car after the gym.  I realize this is a ridiculous excuse.

I DID, however, stick to watching the carbs and didn't eat through the rollercoaster of emotions I have ridden since last evening; exhaustion, frustration, annoyance, anger, boredom, not feeling well, trying to stay awake......

So.... still winning!

I read the most ANNOYING thing on Facebook yesterday that let me doubt myself for a few seconds....

If you want to finish it, you can click it.

I have thought about this a lot today, yesterday, a year ago..... really ever since I read those books about emotional eating.  *Click here to read a few of my blogs I wrote while I was focused on this topic.

I completely agree with the basic I idea of that post.  However, if I don't control the shit I am eating by dieting, and making a conscious effort to avoid foods that trigger binges and cravings, I am NOT taking care of myself.  And I want to feel good.  Look good.  Be able to do all the fitnessy, activityish stuff that I love to do.

So there.  Screw you lady who is telling me that I am doing a stupid thing.  Screw. you.